Monday, 22 December 2008

24. STOP!!! ........carry on..

Am I going mad? I hope not. I have spent so long on the phone today speaking to every person that person diverted me to. I have 8 names and telephone numbers on the piece of paper in front of me. A couple of them, Sarah and Janet in particular, asked me if I had had counselling as the surgery I was due to undergo was life altering, especially the ovary removal. I explained that I had but that I didn't really feel I had been given all the avenues to investigate. Some people are good at research, others aren't..they expect the NHS to help them. I have had to find out these things for myself and no-one actually knows if freezing my eggs is an option...yet. Sarah has managed to speak to someone in the fertility suite and one of the specialists is going to call me on Monday.

What does this mean? It means that I will now have to put off my oophorectomy surgery. If my parents are reading this they may well be jumping for joy. What I feel is glad that I found out now and not after. I just need to know that I can revisit my feelings about children when I am on the other side of this crazy journey, when I am not anxious.

What I am anxious about is putting off my surgery. I have this stupid fear that I need to get rid of my ovaries soon though. Can I still have a baby without ovaries? Do I need them to make the baby grow? I haven't got a clue..this may not be possible and if it means that someone else would have to have the baby for me then I may as well just forget about it now because that is just not something I want to look at.

Why did it all get so much MORE complicated now? I don't know but I feel happier now and like I have exercised a demon of mine.

Maybe my little New Zealand dream will come true..outdoors, fresh air, a sheep or two (not for eating!!), the beach..maybe a family where its worth growing up. Maybe.