Monday, 22 December 2008

22. Take a deep breath

..and relax. I am trying.

I bare resemblance to a frog this morning. My eyes are puffy and sore, tired but not green or slimy. After a difficult day yesterday I spent an hour in the bath and felt very, very alone. I realised that everyone I have met that is BRCA+ is not like me. Not one person.

I called my mum who is not one for having deep conversations and would rather not 'get morbid' but I think I made her see how much I needed to talk to her. I asked about her cancer, which just happened - lump found, cut it out, radiation - sorted. This is bizarre but thats the way she deals with things. She tells me I have too much knowledge and that too much knowledge is dangerous. I agree to an extent, but then too much knowledge will cure cancer one day - science will break it down to each little cell, atom - pull it apart and test is to destruction..with masses of knowledge. Knowledge is power. What I am doing is knowing my enemy so I can fight it. Too much knowledge has also made me slightly OCD (yes, I am slightly damaged mentally..) because I am a hand washer. I admit to the world (well, any readers out there) that I have phobias that are control based but it is mild and I keep it in check. Living all these years with the unknown have made me try and control my world a little and I know it is all connected to the BRCA journey, grieving, moving away from everyone I love..and lots of other things..all mixed up in a cauldron of worry. And today's recipe will make a lovely condition called OCD...taddaaaaa!! Magic.

So yesterday was tough. I cried for about 2 hours in total and I am paying for it today. What came out of my day of torment was the thought about the next generation of BRCA+s being born or who have already been born out there. They are blessed with childhood right now, ignorant in their wishes for Christmas, their birthdays, their tree climbing (do children still do this??) - innocent children. They don't know yet but at 18 years old they can find out, if they want to. In reality they will probably not realise the impact this knowledge could have on their lives. Teenage life, partying, having fun, growing up, life will get in the way and it will be blotted out as a future worry for most.

One day they will meet someone special..that's when it will become a reality.

Will their parents let them just carry on without a care? Will they pressure them to investigate? There is so much connected with the knowledge..the cursed knowledge.

This whole embryo screening thing has stirred things up and I need a new blog poll.