83. Time to get Nipple-tastic!

Time, as it does, has passed.  It's been nearly a whole year since I last posted and, as usual, its been a mixed bag of life, adjusting, accepting and blossoming in the esteem department.  The revisions that were done a year ago worked out really well (indentations now gone) but there is still work to do and I popped back for a visit to my cheeky surgeon about two weeks ago to discuss the end.  Not any old end, the end of my surgery (I hope) apart from the tattoo maintenance that comes with reconstructed nipples.

For the first time there was no woman present, which I thought was odd but it didn't bother me and I was introduced to the young male assistant I assumed was a doctor in training. 

My comedy surgeon to young male Assistant: "Now this, this is a very tidy breast reconstruction!"

I was unveiled for his perusal.  The eyebrows raised and a pleasant or surprised look crossed his face (probably a mix of both, it was hard to decipher).  He didn't say a word for the rest of the appointment - maybe I scared him a little, I can be a bit motor mouth at times, particularly when feeling nervous or exposed!

My comedy surgeon starts to discuss nipples, how they will be made, explains how they will STICK OUT ALL THE TIME.  Yes, I know this, but it poses a problem.  I hate wearing bras since my reconstruction.  Nothing fits, nothing is comfortable.  You go without a bra for 3 years then try and put up with one all day long...my god it is torture!!  Rip the bugger off at the earliest opportunity!  Bloody hate them - pretty things but not for me anymore.  And so the problem of permanently erect nipples.  How am I going to live with them?  I guess I will just have to let people stare and wonder what type of floozy I am to wander around without a bra on, letting my nips stand out for all to see, all the time.  Well, fuck them...fuck them all.  If they knew what I'd been through physically and emotionally in order to get them then they can friggin' well enjoy them too.  I am not covering them up all the time with a boa constrictor of a bra in order appease their narrow minds about women's undergarment choice.

To the procedure - here's a pic of how comedy surgeon will make my origami nipples:

Having done Graphic Design at college, this strangely reminds me of flat pack designs for packaging for toys but in real life, I've seen a friend's and they look amazing.  I just hope mine do to.  

As for boob plumping, I've been offered fat injections to make them a bit bigger but that might only last for 3 years, and the fat cells may not even take and I don't want to face anymore weirdness thanks.  I've decided that my vanity is not strong enough to want them bigger, despite old grievances about the loss of my perfect 36B breasts.  My new ones are lovely, forever pert, small but beautiful and they just need finishing off.  The ends of my 16 inches of back scars need rectifying again so that's booked in at the same time...UNDER LOCAL ANAESTHETIC!!  Local he said, where I am awake.  WTF? I did ask him if I would put him off with all my talking..and what if I sneezed?  I have no idea how this is going to work but he convinced me that I can in fact have myself cut up whilst I am awake..and I agreed.  Gas and air will be at the ready - maybe I need a training run on that to make sure I don't giggle my ass off (I can do that without gas and air) and end up with extra nipples.  I'm up for the challenge - at least I can keep an eye on them and, as comedy surgeon says, I will find it fascinating! True I guess.

So I await my appointment for the knife, again.  Hopefully my exams will be over and I can then get on with my summer and getting some areola tattoos done.  

The end is in sight.  Smooth and sticky out I shall forever be!

63. Did you want nipples today? Sorry..we cancelled

I am thankful for my strength of composure and character in what has been the farce of organising my tidying up surgery after my breast reconstruction op. I could have lost the plot by now otherwise. If you remember, this was brought forward by two whole weeks which left me with just one week to get mentally prepared instead of three!!

A couple of weeks ago my nipple reconstruction and tidy up date was 8th June. I organised my pre-op appointment for 3rd June and then I go away for a weekend, come back and it's 1st June. So I cancelled my pre-op and tried to arrange another in time as I literally had days to get in and get swabbed for MRSA, blood test etc. I couldn't get hold of them all day one day and then when I got through the lady who organised the appointments was away from her desk. Then when I got through they told me I could arrange it anytime, even just turn up and wait. So I called my surgeon's secretary just to advise her that there may be a problem if I couldn't get seen in time.

Please note that it is Friday..

Me: "Hi there, I'm booked for surgery on Monday and I am concerned that the appointment was moved without pre-op being arranged in time. I think I am going to have to cancel."

Sec: "Let me just check the diary."

I can hear her flicking through pages.

Sec: "..erm..we haven't got you booked in for surgery on Monday. You wanted to speak to Eric about nipple reconstruction before you had the surgery done so the appointment was rescheduled."

Me: "Right. When was I going to be told that I wasn't having surgery on Monday? I was prepared to go in at 7am! And my husband has taken the afternoon off from teaching to pick me up. Eric was going to call me as time was short so we could discuss the surgery rather than coming into hospital. He hasn't."

Sec: "No, I am so sorry. I can only apologise that he hasn't done so. He has a note to call you. He is on annual leave for 7 days."

Me: "This is the second time he has rescheduled my surgery because he is going on holiday. I am not very happy really. He's enjoying himself and I am preparing to go under the knife. I don't enjoy being messed around, this is my life!"

She apologised some more and insisted that she would be on him first thing on Monday to explain what had happened.

Me: "Sorry Sandy, I'm annoyed as you can probably understand. You said the surgery has been rescheduled, when for?"

Sec: "22nd June."

Me: "Oh that's great. That's my birthday. Anyone check my file? After what I have been through in the last six months I would like to spend my birthday doing something nice, not getting chopped up again."

I didn't raise my voice, I was just blunt. I can't believe that they can be so insensitive. I guess it's just a task to be done but me, on the other end, I have feelings and life to deal with.

On further discussion Sandy explained that the surgery method was a semi-circular cut for the nipple which is then twisted. It creates a button-like nipple. I explained that that kind of method flattens and has to be redone. I was not in for multiple surgery. I also asked her a few questions:

Why, upon breast reconstruction contemplation, was I not asked about my nipples and what I would like to do about them.
Why was I not offered a mould of them so I could consider prosthetics as an alternative to surgery?
Why have I not be talked to about the various methods of nipple reconstruction?
Why was I not offered different kinds of surgery with different surgeons who specialise?

I expressed to her that I felt I had just been pushed through the NHS machine and I had been given few options, even though Latissimus Dorsi reconstruction was the best option for me and that I was happy with the outcome, even if we had talked about implants on threat of making me smaller - which happened, yet no implants were used. I am happy that Eric did a fantastic job. I said I wanted to see some alternatives to the 'button' nipple option. Sandy said she would speak to the BCNs (breast care nurse) and see what they recommended and that she would call me back. Which she duly did and told me that she would get me referred to the Plastics team for consultation.

Why didn't this happen initially? Why didn't I go to see a plastics team to discuss ALL the surgery options for everything and then decide? Why is everything so damned complicated and irregular? I have some issues to raise with my genetic counsellor about what a person with family history of cancer needs when considering surgery. I am annoyed!

So..I wait some more. Will it ever end?