Monday, 22 December 2008

23. Freezing eggs

As I have said before, I feel like my life timing has conspired against me every step of the way in my desire to have children without hideous complication. It is now something I just don't feel I can be bothered with in life now.. I gave in to the fight on this one, but maybe only postponed for another day. What my mother made me realise on the phone last night is that there is still a chance that I might be able to have children, that the recent news about screening embryos (whether you agree with it or not) is an option for me.

Maybe I can freeze my eggs before I have them chopped out?

Has this been offered to me? No. Guess what I am doing now - finding out. If this is an option and it hasn't been mentioned or offered to me during my counselling in preparation for surgery, is this from lack of knowledge by the people leading me through all this or is it just not available? If I had cancer now, before I went through chemo, this would be offered to me.

I think I panicked yesterday because this is final..what I am doing is final - no ovaries - no children. I will keep you posted on this and I will find out. Imagine if I could find a happy, non-cancer worry place in my future where I had the energy to try. Chris says he would try if I wanted to. This makes the whole deal a little less 'final'.

If someone is strong and says they don't want something, shouldn't you throw all the options available to them to see if they bite? If they don't then they are sure. Because I entered the system with fear for my future children and had convinced myself that I NEVER want children because I can't deal with the consequences, they just accepted it, they never challenged me about it once. Am I that convincing? Maybe I am angry at myself but if I hadn't been so strong I would have faltered on the way, been desperate..this has been my coping strategy. Look what science has has introduced a mutated gene free chink of hope. I am not ashamed to turn about face on this - I don't want to make a mistake. I want to be free of worry and then I want to see if I really don't want children for the right reasons.

Honestly, some days I wonder if it would just be easier to get cancer and just deal with it. Those who have cancer wish they had had the knowledge I do. I'm not sure that this is any fence to hang over admiring the view and wishing it was yours and not your neighbours. I think we both worry we could die, both struggle to get through days, both face operations, drugs, children, life.

I admit that the knowledge I have gives me a small upper hand over cancer but it is not a definite that I will get it - even with my gene mutation. There is still a 15% chance that I won't yet I make decisions based on the odds which brings a lot of emotional dilemmas, which is why I am sharing my story with you. What my personal journey has revealed is that although there is knowledge, the journey has only been walked by the few with the knowledge and the system to support those who do and who will again, is protracted and convoluted.

Maybe this blog of mine will help others in their own BRCA+ journey and even if it is just one person, all this typing and thinking and sharing will have been worth it.