28. My own personal heroes - Part I

I think, before the year is out that I should dedicate a page to highlight a few very important people in my life..those that are there when I need them, when I have been sad, lonely, angry about all this cancer gene thing.

These people are special and I am blessed to have them in my life. There will be others along the way and those that I haven't sourced pictures for just yet.

Appearing in no particular order..

Chris Jones - My wonderful husband!

How I came to marry such a fantastic man is beyond me. I guess he was sent to look after me. I do believe that we were fated to be together and I was told (by a spooky friend) that I would meet him. I knew that he was the one I was meant to be with and all he has ever done is love me..regardless of my past, my present or the future. He is just always there and I sees me in all my guises..and he knows me.

Sometimes I just sit and smile that I am so lucky. I adore him!! Without him by my side, I am not sure I would be where I am today or be as mentally stable as I am through all of this. He is my rock.

Carol Crane - My Mum

Always calm, just takes everything in her stride. She has never faltered in front of me I don't think, not even when she went through her own breast cancer. She has been through so much grief losing her sisters to cancer, losing her father, supporting her mother through cancer and now caring for her into her final years. I know that when I need her she is there for me 24/7.

She is just kind and lovely.. I worry that I burden her with my woes sometimes.

I love you Mum - you are just gorgeous! x


My Jones In-Laws

Endless support and understanding from them both. Most people don't like their in-laws - mine are fantastic! Lori has the biggest heart ever and treats me like her own daughter. I am lucky to have all of them. Bob is strong and kind of heart.

I love you both very much x
















My Friend - Sam Haydock

An endless source of humour and honesty. She is beautiful. I miss working with you Sam
(and Sue). Both saw me go through the initial panic of finding out about my gene thing..when Mum was going through her testing. I think this was the worst. I cried more often than not when talking about it all. They were both there for me, talking to me, calming me.

A true friend. Big fat hugs x

And last on this Part I page of heroes goes to..

Lisa Roy - BRCA2+

Lisa found me looking for info on Facebook and contacted me. She started a blog too and you'll see Lisa's blog, My Choce in my blog following list telling her own story after discovering she was BRCA2+. She's sent me messages of positive thought when I have had a blip (as too has Karen McCluskey - also BRCA2+).

She's shared intimate photos of her breast surgery and been strong throughout her journey. What else can we do but just get on with it? Sharing my own journey with others like me has made things easier to cope with, easier to understand and easier to reach out to others.

Thank you Lisa..you are a gem. Enjoy your new year, remember it always! Your first with your noobs and peace of mind. Enjoy and stay in touch x

27. Spin..spin..spin my brain, gently down the stream..

Yep, brain spinning. Why? The lovely doctor (gynae) has just called me, as promised, to talk about the option of freezing eggs or embryos. He was lovely about everything and above all else, above all his 'targets' set by the government, he was concerned that I make the right choice and in my own time, not in the 13 week deadline set by Labour! He asked me to think about it carefully, to talk through things with Chris and go and see my GP about the options.

So the upshot is that I CAN have my eggs frozen but it is less successful than embryo freezing and I CAN have embryos frozen, taking sperm from Chris (explained about the snip) and starting them off, bung them in the freezer for if/when we fancy putting a bun in the oven. I know its not that simple but just knowing that it is possible and I will still have a womb, that I CAN still have children beyond my surgery.

I know that some people will be enraged at the thought of messing with nature, about screening embryos and rejecting those with the BRCA1 gene mutation that I carry in my DNA. Those people who think it is wrong I would like to ask them if they have ever had an operation or got sick and been healed? That's also messing with nature, helping nature and not leaving it to make its own natural selection. This is not designer baby stuff, not choosing a girl or boy and tweaking blue or brown eyes, this is just choosing the best of the bunch for a healthy life. It is in fact less traumatic and morally wrong than screening for down syndrome and aborting a child showing positive results for the condition.

Quite frankly, laying it all out on the table, I am doing the NHS a favour by either not having children or screening those I might have - my gene mutation is costing them thousands of pounds as it is - imagine if there were many more of me..more gene screening, more operations, more embryo freezing.

I am feeling content that I have options. I am still a little nervous about delaying my ovary removal but I'm sure it will be fine.

For those that think I should just not have kids at all..ask yourself why you are on the planet and what you feel your purpose is.

I think we are all here to survive, to continue..everything on the planet strives to continue..to exist.

I've been fighting that and I just want to put it in a box for another day rather than make a decision now. I have been hurried into having a family by most of the health professionals I have met along my BRCA1 gene journey and I can honestly say that I am glad I didn't listen to them. I channelled my own path through the sea of "hurry hurry Leigh-ann, it will help protect you against cancer". No..no it won't, my mum had me and she still got cancer. The pressure and ticking of time and life hiccups have been immense.

I am free to think now.

Thank you Dr Charrier..thank you.

26. Back home and happy

After all my scroogeness and "I hate Christmas" my family and in-laws made it just great.

We were relatively poor this Christmas due to my being out of work and it was quite hard.
It made me truly appreciate the wonderful gifts we both received and the thought that had gone into the surprises. I thoroughly recommend stripping away the materialistic Christmas that usually engulfs us all and take £100 and see what you can do with it. It was tough but we had to spread it around. Most of it went on my stepson and it was worth it - he was overjoyed with his gifts and is excited about coming to play with all his new bits. I made cheese and bacon twists for a friend (and shared out the rest!), donated an old digital camera, gave a money tree in a happy pot and a pot of jelly beans as some gifts. I think I spent my time realising how much I love everyone around me. A cold sunny walk to a hill fort on Christmas day was just what I needed too.

Right now I'm sat next to our bedroom open fire keeping warm because the damned boiler decided to throw a fit after Chris bled the air out of the radiators today. It is 2 degrees outside and we live in an old Victorian granite cottage...brrrrrrrr....the boiler people aren't open until tomorrow so we are snugged up here with the moggits and the tv. Hooray for log fires!!

Looking forward to seeing my Dad in March. He said he will be over in time for my operation - which is nice to know..I won't have seen him for 9 months by then. I think he is worried about my operation but I told him I will be fine..and it would be great to see him.

Anyway, not a lot of boob or ooph op chat today, just a happy but chilly Christmas. Hoping you all had a great one.

Only 1 mince pie and a third of a bottle of Baileys to go..then its all good eating again. My body doesn't like me at Christmas, I eat too many treats and luxury stuff and it is crying out for veggies and fruit..I can hear it screaming at me.

Detox and Wii Fit frenzy coming soon!

25. Great news!!!

I am not feeling crazy anymore..not that I was but just in case anyone out there was a little worried about me I'm just fine. This is one of the reasons I want to get rid of my darn reproductive system - its not my friend in any way and makes me irrational and far to contemplative for my (or my husband's) liking.

Time to relax today - going to visit a travelling friend today - go and be silly and let my mind free for a while. Nice..off to make soup for lunch first and get dressed. I am sitting here in my monsters inc. dressing gown still and its 9.30am! Shocking!

Wishing you all an excellent festive break..hope its not too full of mince pies and cream. I've had enough for everyone and need to sort that out in the new year. Hello Wii Fit...here I come hardcore stylee!!

:)

24. STOP!!! ........carry on..

Am I going mad? I hope not. I have spent so long on the phone today speaking to every person that person diverted me to. I have 8 names and telephone numbers on the piece of paper in front of me. A couple of them, Sarah and Janet in particular, asked me if I had had counselling as the surgery I was due to undergo was life altering, especially the ovary removal. I explained that I had but that I didn't really feel I had been given all the avenues to investigate. Some people are good at research, others aren't..they expect the NHS to help them. I have had to find out these things for myself and no-one actually knows if freezing my eggs is an option...yet. Sarah has managed to speak to someone in the fertility suite and one of the specialists is going to call me on Monday.

What does this mean? It means that I will now have to put off my oophorectomy surgery. If my parents are reading this they may well be jumping for joy. What I feel is glad that I found out now and not after. I just need to know that I can revisit my feelings about children when I am on the other side of this crazy journey, when I am not anxious.

What I am anxious about is putting off my surgery. I have this stupid fear that I need to get rid of my ovaries soon though. Can I still have a baby without ovaries? Do I need them to make the baby grow? I haven't got a clue..this may not be possible and if it means that someone else would have to have the baby for me then I may as well just forget about it now because that is just not something I want to look at.

Why did it all get so much MORE complicated now? I don't know but I feel happier now and like I have exercised a demon of mine.

Maybe my little New Zealand dream will come true..outdoors, fresh air, a sheep or two (not for eating!!), the beach..maybe a family where its worth growing up. Maybe.

23. Freezing eggs

As I have said before, I feel like my life timing has conspired against me every step of the way in my desire to have children without hideous complication. It is now something I just don't feel I can be bothered with in life now.. I gave in to the fight on this one, but maybe only postponed for another day. What my mother made me realise on the phone last night is that there is still a chance that I might be able to have children, that the recent news about screening embryos (whether you agree with it or not) is an option for me.

Maybe I can freeze my eggs before I have them chopped out?

Has this been offered to me? No. Guess what I am doing now - finding out. If this is an option and it hasn't been mentioned or offered to me during my counselling in preparation for surgery, is this from lack of knowledge by the people leading me through all this or is it just not available? If I had cancer now, before I went through chemo, this would be offered to me.

I think I panicked yesterday because this is final..what I am doing is final - no ovaries - no children. I will keep you posted on this and I will find out. Imagine if I could find a happy, non-cancer worry place in my future where I had the energy to try. Chris says he would try if I wanted to. This makes the whole deal a little less 'final'.

If someone is strong and says they don't want something, shouldn't you throw all the options available to them to see if they bite? If they don't then they are sure. Because I entered the system with fear for my future children and had convinced myself that I NEVER want children because I can't deal with the consequences, they just accepted it, they never challenged me about it once. Am I that convincing? Maybe I am angry at myself but if I hadn't been so strong I would have faltered on the way, been desperate..this has been my coping strategy. Look what science has done..it has introduced a mutated gene free chink of hope. I am not ashamed to turn about face on this - I don't want to make a mistake. I want to be free of worry and then I want to see if I really don't want children for the right reasons.


Honestly, some days I wonder if it would just be easier to get cancer and just deal with it. Those who have cancer wish they had had the knowledge I do. I'm not sure that this is any fence to hang over admiring the view and wishing it was yours and not your neighbours. I think we both worry we could die, both struggle to get through days, both face operations, drugs, children, life.

I admit that the knowledge I have gives me a small upper hand over cancer but it is not a definite that I will get it - even with my gene mutation. There is still a 15% chance that I won't yet I make decisions based on the odds which brings a lot of emotional dilemmas, which is why I am sharing my story with you. What my personal journey has revealed is that although there is knowledge, the journey has only been walked by the few with the knowledge and the system to support those who do and who will again, is protracted and convoluted.

Maybe this blog of mine will help others in their own BRCA+ journey and even if it is just one person, all this typing and thinking and sharing will have been worth it.

22. Take a deep breath

..and relax. I am trying.

I bare resemblance to a frog this morning. My eyes are puffy and sore, tired but not green or slimy. After a difficult day yesterday I spent an hour in the bath and felt very, very alone. I realised that everyone I have met that is BRCA+ is not like me. Not one person.

I called my mum who is not one for having deep conversations and would rather not 'get morbid' but I think I made her see how much I needed to talk to her. I asked about her cancer, which just happened - lump found, cut it out, radiation - sorted. This is bizarre but thats the way she deals with things. She tells me I have too much knowledge and that too much knowledge is dangerous. I agree to an extent, but then too much knowledge will cure cancer one day - science will break it down to each little cell, atom - pull it apart and test is to destruction..with masses of knowledge. Knowledge is power. What I am doing is knowing my enemy so I can fight it. Too much knowledge has also made me slightly OCD (yes, I am slightly damaged mentally..) because I am a hand washer. I admit to the world (well, any readers out there) that I have phobias that are control based but it is mild and I keep it in check. Living all these years with the unknown have made me try and control my world a little and I know it is all connected to the BRCA journey, grieving, moving away from everyone I love..and lots of other things..all mixed up in a cauldron of worry. And today's recipe will make a lovely condition called OCD...taddaaaaa!! Magic.

So yesterday was tough. I cried for about 2 hours in total and I am paying for it today. What came out of my day of torment was the thought about the next generation of BRCA+s being born or who have already been born out there. They are blessed with childhood right now, ignorant in their wishes for Christmas, their birthdays, their tree climbing (do children still do this??) - innocent children. They don't know yet but at 18 years old they can find out, if they want to. In reality they will probably not realise the impact this knowledge could have on their lives. Teenage life, partying, having fun, growing up, life will get in the way and it will be blotted out as a future worry for most.

One day they will meet someone special..that's when it will become a reality.

Will their parents let them just carry on without a care? Will they pressure them to investigate? There is so much connected with the knowledge..the cursed knowledge.

This whole embryo screening thing has stirred things up and I need a new blog poll.

21. The link of hope - embryo screening and the BRCA+ reality

Warning!! Controversial blog post going on here. I have been a realist on this whole thing, this BRCA+ thing.

If you are here because you have just found out about your own BRCA+ condition then I hope this post won't frighten you too much but it also lists the things that BRCA+ person may have to consider. For those lucky enough to have had children before knowing about their gene mutation the news today is fantastic, it gives hope for your children and their choices if they too are BRCA+.

It took me years to go through all these stages, decisions, thoughts. I had to list them all. This news story has rocked my foundations. I was steady, heading down my chosen path with unwavering thoughts.. and then this big monster jumped out in front of me. What do I do..what do I do?!! Think, thats what..think. So I blogged and thought and this is the result. It may seem quite angry but this blog is part of my self therapy, helping me vent, helping me cope. I hope it is of some use to my readers too.

This morning's BBC News report came a couple of years too late for me. Some of you (like my parents) might think this news is fantastic. I have spent so long conditioning myself to the prospect of living without children that this news just sent me into a spin. I just have to remember that it wasn't possible for me when I was ready, when I wanted a family - neither was my life ready.

Here's the BBC News link http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/7792318.stm

I've spent a good chunk of today thinking about this. There have been times that I've welled up with tears, tried to talk to Chris, tried to understand why I feel so swung off kilter by it. So I put it into perspective:

The couple have screened their embryos because the FATHER is BRCA1+, not the mother. She is 27 years old and probably has the drive and desire to have babies. I did when I was 27..and years before that. The FATHER has the BRCA1 gene - what does this mean? It means that he doesn't have the same dilemmas faced by a woman with BRCA1. He doesn't have breasts and he doesn't have ovaries. Would he be having children if time was running out for him and he had the same life threatening risk and options which would take years to sort out? Can't be answered that one I'm afraid.

This is the black and white, consolidated reality in finding out about BRCA gene mutations :-

Got your Family history of breast cancer confirmed - investigate BRCA gene mutation..... ->

Age 30 - worried about family history. The NHS will not screen a woman until she is at least 30 years old. Hopefully things will change in the next few years as they learn more about genetic breast cancer. As they realise BRCA1 and BRCA2 can trigger cancer in much younger women, they may screen more women at a younger age. For me, I was 27 because I shouted loud but really it is not an option until you are 30 with a big family history. At 30 you have about 5 years of prime egg producing time left before things start to trail off towards menopause land. Stay calm - there are people out there who understand, who will talk and who have information for you. www.breastcancergenetics.co.uk is the site for information if you aren't getting any or can't find any and they run a helpline service open 24/7 365 days a year. Just pick up the phone and call them.

Age 32 - you are BRCA+. It takes 1-2 years to go through counselling in preparation for genetic testing results and to get DNA tested and results returned. Now you are 32 and you are BRCA+ but do you have a partner? Do you need to find one? How many years do you have to sort out the right man with so much else to worry about now that you have found out you are BRCA+? You need to think now..about you and what you want, how you are going to deal with this and what are you going to do next. There are options to consider:

A. Do you just want to investigate IVF and embryo screening programme? This will need counselling and probably a 1-2 year process to get to pregnancy if successful. Beyond children, you still have the gene and you still need to make decisions about your life.

B. Do you put faith into action and just go for raw baby making? There's a 50/50 chance of passing on the gene to the baby, whether boy or girl. The screening option will give your children options in the future if they are BRCA+.

C. Do you want surgery to remove your breasts and remove your breast cancer risk? If you want breast removal surgery it will take about 1 year to go through various counselling sessions to make sure that you are able to deal with this. For me its taken 2 years to get through the NHS system to the point of surgery date from the initial counselling after deciding to get tested for BRCA1.

D. Do you want surgery to remove your ovaries, go into menopause early and not have children? I was counselled heavily on this as it is a major decision. It is something I spent many years thinking about before I knew my my results. This is not to be taken lightly and you need to search the very bottom of your soul to decide this.

E. Do you ignore everything and just carry on with your life. Some people choose this but those people aren't here reading this and they wouldn't have taken the genetic test in the first place so E really isn't an option.

I hope that my BRCA+ sisters (and brothers) out there can push the awareness of this condition out there. It is not some random rare condition - it can be bred, increased - it needs to be faced head on. The impact on the NHS and people needing screening could increase as more people investigate their family history and demand testing. What if they do? The NHS need funding to support this cause.

I have decided to research as many personal BRCA+ blogs as possible and gather them together in one place. Sharing mine and others' stories will give those seeking support and information something extra, personal stuff that can't be handed out in a leaflet. This is a very personal condition, its not black and white at all. It involves many choices and can feel like someone put the fast forward button on your life. There are so many facets to consider and for some it will be overwhelming. I found the loneliness of my situation and worries quite hard and there was no-one out there to share it with or to learn from. I had to hunt long and hard to find people to share this with and it is only now at the point where I have made all my decisions that I have found them.

Thank you for Facebook and the opportunity it has given me to touch base with others who have BRCA+ gene mutations. I have made friends with some fantastic ladies. Together we will support each other. We are the foundations of the support system that is currently so disjointed in the NHS today. The next generation will benefit from the choices made by the women who face this today. We are the seeds.

I choose life.
I will not be broken.
I'm rock 'ard me.

I am here now, living, choosing and I am not going to die of breast or ovarian cancer, not if I can help it!

Not on your nelly.

Ok...blog rant over...and out.

20. More choice about music

...for you readers! See right at the bottom of the page: I found Billy Ocean - SO 'feel good' and memorable I couldn't resist and Bob Marley.

Enjoy!!

19. Restylin' and going to a private hospital!

So..I thought I'd make my eyes bleed with a heavy internet day - sick of the template so I thought I'd go spotty to match my complexion today. I was going to add a great tune to my blog that reminded me of my Dad - Bob Marley, Three Little Birds. I grew up with reggae music in the background of my life and I recall lots of ear bleeding Billy Ocean, "When the Going Gets Tough" (OMG Dad!). Anyway, I found another tune that is hugely important.. Space Raiders, "Laid Back" which played me into one of the hardest things I ever did before all of this BRCA malarky.. cremate my ex.

Had a bit of blip today too, probably the time of year, the music and my monthly cycle combined. The hospital rang to say that they are having trouble trying to get me a date for operation within their deadlines. The pressure for the NHS to perform is huge and I try not to give them a hard time. My stern attitude must have kicked that secretary into action (thank you hormones - use them while you can Leigh-ann). She was very nice, Janet, she told me I could go to the Torquay NHS or Mount Stuart private hospital. Erm...let me think a moment....erm the PRIVATE HOSPITAL PLEASE!! I felt a little safer in the thought that I would be one of only a few...not one of the many. Its quite sad that I would rather not go to the NHS because now I have a choice. I think the lady understood though and told me to Google Ramsay Health..so I did. It looks nice, small and nice and I will be in and out again in a day, maybe an overnight but probably not so its not big issue really.

I feel like I can relax a bit more now in time for Christmas..although I did cry earlier (stupid hormones again). I know there is a small part of me that is still sad at not having children but I will not let it consume me because, quite frankly, this is the best thing I can do for my health, both physical and mental.

18. Operation Ovary - When?

Hope this posts - having a very intermittent internet day today. Very odd indeed! Probably all the last minute Christmas shoppers online damn them!!

The very useless secretary of Mr Frappell (my ovary removing surgeon) finally called me back last week to tell me that she still didn't have a date for my operation and that she had to now put me on the waiting list. So what have I been doing for the last 6 weeks? Sitting on her desk? I kicked off a little and demanded that I get my date as soon as possible and reminded her about my March boob op. Why am I not already on a patient waiting list? I cannot understand it. The rules say that I have to be completed in 18 weeks which means she has until March which is just not gonna work. She tells me that she should have a date by the end of this week.

Today is Thursday..6 days have passed since we last spoke and not trusting that she would call me with a date, I called her. Guess what..NO DATE YET! She told me again that it would be some time in the middle of January, probably. I thought it would be nice to have some notice so I asked her how much notice I would get as it was now only a week until Christmas and I would likely not hear from her again until the New Year, to which she retorted:

"How much notice do you need?"

Excuse me? You can probably tell this woman doesn't enjoy her work and probably doesn't have to deal with demanding people like me everyday. I am peed off today as it is, my stupid womb is killing me and I truly want the thing shut down and stop working altogether. Today is not a day to be shirty with me, so I pretty much kept myself to myself today - in case I upset someone. I was nice to her, polite in a stern kind of way if you know what I mean.

I noticed her tone change slightly after she realised how rude she'd been.

"..erm..I have to give 3 weeks statutory notice anyway. There are two ladies waiting as well as you and I am still waiting for dates, I'm sorry I can't make it happen any quicker, we are waiting for management to make decisions about the extra operation slots list."

Hello lady!! I am not a nagging customer in a huge queue at Argos waiting for a fondue set to get picked..

"Item number 987, Ovary Removal Operation - ready for collection at Desk A now please ..bing bong.. Item number 987, Ovary Removal Operation - ready for collection at Desk A now please.."

Lets just hope the darn things don't mess up before she gets round to pushing this forward for me. I bet the other ladies aren't waiting to have their boobs scooped out straight afterwards..I would like some recovery time if thats not too much trouble!

So, I feel like I'm sitting on the lonely luggage conveyor belt with two other luggage shaped ladies waiting to be noticed, to be collected..

..going around again..through the flaps.. ..squeak squeak.. ..and out again.. ..squeak, squeak.. ..through the flaps.. .. squeak squeak.. ..and out again.. squeak squeak squeak..

17. The future's SO bright I gotta wear shades..

Timing is everything.

It makes comedy funny or not funny.
It cooks a meal to perfection or disaster.
It makes you early or late for an appointment.

Planning helps you beat time, to master time - to be in charge.

So here I am, planning - taking charge.

I have decided to go to university, the timing couldn't be more perfect if it tried. I do actually feel that the timings of everything in my life recently; redundancy, operations, work opportunity with the dearest Liz, family support..all timings have converged at this point - the point where I think beyond my high cancer risk life, my new future.

Life. Funny - I tried to think beyond before but it was all focused on now, the immediate future but now I have life plans. My horizon is expanding (I do hope that Dani in US is feeling this now, above her painkiller haze).

Things have happened recently that have forced me to think about where I am going. This is it, a new future. I sat with Chris and watched the clouds turn pink and orange as the sun set, watched the stars get brighter - watched the rotation of the earth as they moved across the sky. We talked about where we are going and I can almost feel the New Zealand grass under my feet. I will post some more on the subject of moving to another country with my genetic condition - it may cause a bit of a stir one day - another battle to fight but I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

The washing machine is on, rumbling away down in the kitchen alongside his friend, the dishwasher, who is also swishing along next door. I'm thinking about a cup of tea right now. A nice hot cuppa and some internet research..maybe a spot of bird watching over lunch later in the conservatory and then whisked away in the Jimster (Suzuki Jimny to you lot) to Teignmouth to see my stepson for the last time before Boxing Day (the 5th year in a row for me, the 9th for Chris).

Must get to the post office too - I am sooo crap! Its probably growing up with the internet that has done it you know, I lived without a computer once, now can't live without one - its all instant! My mother will never understand that the post office is just something I don't really do, I write emails not letters (and blogs).

16. A question for you and my opportunity

I'm following a blog called My Journey by Danielle Chase - she is in surgery right now in the US, maybe out of surgery. She has been through the mill with her emotions before her breast reconstruction. I know that come nearer the date I will start to become more emotional, maybe unsteady on my feet about it all but I will try not to think about all the little things. I think the little things can grow if you feed them. I have to stick to the basics. I am having a big 8 hour operation that will give me the rest of my life. That's it, that's all it is. But its not is it..its about my opportunity.

I thought long and hard about where I am going, what I will do with myself, how will I make the most of the opportunity that science has given me. I know that living with a high risk of getting cancer is not something most people even imagine. Most people just live their lives thinking it will never happen to them, that cancer is what other people get.

Where did cancer come from? Its not contagious like a cold..maybe its spent many thousands of years just killing random people but as it gets its arse kicked more often by surgeons and scientists, its found a way to keep going - its in the genes. Its not contagious, yet mine is, I got it from Mum and she got it from her Mum and she got it from her Mum..but where did it start? How many generations back? We will never know.

My question to you..

Would you cross a road if you had an 85% chance of getting knocked over?

Or, if the common cold became a killer disease and you had 85% chance of getting it but were told that you could chop your nose off and you would never get the killer cold..would you do it or would you live in fear?

I'm not chopping off my nose but its a pretty important part of your face, of your identity. I'm chopping off my breasts, those which help make me feel like a woman, my perfectly formed, pert breasts. I love them - they are great but I will be mutilating them soon, forever. Its not really an option, keeping them, not for me. I dream of the day when I can relax on the other side of this opportunity. Would you cross a road if you had an 85% chance of getting knocked over? If you had an 85% chance of winning the lottery, would you bet? What if you had a 15% chance?

Hmmm...that would make you think.

So, the opportunity to live..what shall I do with it? Well, I have decided. I am going to University. A second go at my life, free of my nagging cancer worry - a new start, a new career.

After leaving my great job as a Capacity Development Engineer for Orange back in 2003, job life in Devon has been dull. I left a career but I was so blinded by grief that I just took off to lick my wounds and left it behind. I have mourned for that job but I am back, my brain is back, my future is back. Its time to move on, to get on the career train again.

Lets go!

15. Fluffing my nest

I started to fluff my nest. The conservatory has been a non-plus room for us since we moved in 2 1/2 years ago so I have been resourceful in the last few days. My stinking head cold has passed from me to Chris and we are both sniffling, snotty slobs at the moment. Nice! Anyway, without any exciting job opportunities arising I felt I had to do something to improve the enjoyment of space in the home. I found www.freecycle.org - a nationwide recycling incentive managed by localised group moderators on Yahoo. Anyone can join and I am a big fan of recycling and free stuff.

I contacted a nice lady who was advertising a wicker/cane settee so I snapped it up for free and set about reorganising the conservatory so we can sit out and virtually be in the garden. I imagined the uncomfortable situation I will be in come Easter after my op and thought it was time to sort out a cosy happy space to spend my hours of convalescing in. I will be able to enjoy sitting out in the warm and watch the birds come and go in the garden, watch the plants grow through spring into summer, watch life. The re-org has proven a great success and I am clearing stuff from the house so that it feels positive and calm, not cluttered. Its amazing how long it takes to get rid of extra things you don't need or use anymore after a move. Its done now, there is little left that doesn't have a purpose or hold some beauty.

I am up here on the computer in my makeshift office space with no window and its a bit sad, its warmer than the conservatory but its sad too - no view. I need outdoors. I also need a job soon or my brain will turn to mush without the mental stimulation of work everyday. I need mental stimulation everyday, its crazy, I feel a little crazy. Plans are formulating..but what will it be. I am still holding out for one particular job but time will tell. I surely have a place among the thousands who are now unemployed out there - I am intelligent and conscientious..please dish me some luck.

Please..before I start dribbling.

14. Food for the soul - my recipe

Aaahhh...gorgeous! Truly gorgeous. I made and ate my soup...mmmmm.

Chris had to go and post some 'proof of contact with his son' for the last 4 years to the CSA as his ex told them that he hasn't maintained any contact at all - which means she gets more money and he has been overpaying for the last 4 years as a result. She recently told them that he still had no contact, even though we collect and drop off his son every other weekend, on Wednesday evenings and 3 weeks of holiday over the year, hence request for proof and a refund of money. She is a bare faced liar. Will she get in trouble? No...good old fairness again. Excellent!

Anyway, he returned with a lovely soft baguette in tow and I served our favourite soup for which I have posted the recipe - if you are interested. It is far too good to keep to myself!

The biggest saucepan you have
Olive oil to just cover bottom of pan
Sage - dried - teaspoon
Rosemary - dried - teaspoon
(pestle and mortar together to powder and put into oil and heat gently for 2 mins)
Ground Pepper - a good grinding of fresh peppercorns
Chilli Powder - heaped tip of a teaspoon - just for a little zazz!
Onion - chopped
(Add to oil and fry off for 2 mins)
4-6 rashers of smoked bacon or lardons if you have them - 6 rashers gives good flavour without overpowering the butternut squash
(cook off for 2-3 mins stirring into onions, oil and herbs)
2 large carrots or 4 smaller ones - peeled and chopped
Butternut squash - peeled and chopped
(add both carrots and squash to pan of lovely bits and bobs and cover on med-low heat for 5 mins, stirring occasionally)
1 (or 2) veg stock cubes (depending on your tastebuds)
1 litre of boiling water
(when dissolved, add to pan. Must just cover the pan contents. If not, add another half or whole veg stock cube and make up with 500ml of boiling water as before and add until covering ingredients)

Bring to boil for 2 mins and then simmer for 20.
Take a slotted spoon, scoop out the veg and bacon bits and blend.
Add the blended soup back to pan and repeat until all the veg and bacon is blended up and mixed back together in the pan. Reheat gently if necessary.

Serve with crusty bread rolls...enjoy, enjoy, enjoy.

For those that don't think they like butternut squash - just try this..it is DIVINE!

Freezes well and warms your very soul. Yum! Yum! In my tum!

And now for some more job hunting..wish me luck

13. Positivity and rug pulling

Ok..post 13. Positive? Hmmmmm...sceptical today.

I have just had a phonecall from the people I have an interview with tomorrow..sorry HAD an interview with. I was preparing all my questions, putting all my positive into getting that job. The phonecall was to say, sorry but our budgets have been cut and we have to put the position on hold until further notice. This is great! Just great!

At least Gordon Brown has thrown some form of lifeline for us, the mortgage payment help. I can't imagine how we will cope otherwise. It looks like Chris might have to have surgery (maybe) and all before I have my op too. I am worried, very worried.

The swimming sea of worry surrounds me yet I feel positive. I will trudge on.

I am going to make my famous and ludicrously tasty butternut squash and bacon soup for lunch.

Food for the soul.

Today is not a great day but I am about to try and make it better...then look for more work and burn my retinas some more in front of the monitor.

Ho hum...life is glum x

12. My nemesis knows my secret

Who is my nemesis? Everyone who knows me knows but I'll explain. The woman who loathes me, the one who feels threatened by me, the one who barely knows me..the mother of my stepson.

Yesterday Chris (the hubby) had to go to the hospital for his first acute knee clinic appointment since I took him to A&E last week. The contact order allows him to collect his son straight from school ending time at 3.10 and as he has Parental Responsibility equal to his ex and should be able to designate a trusted other to collect his son for him if he can't make it in time..but no...she went mental when I did it and she won't even allow her son to hang out at his grandmothers house (which is around the corner from his school, literally) for the 30 minutes or so until Chris arrives. Her son walks past his grandmothers house every day and he is told that he is NEVER to call in to see her. She enjoys the same rights and anyone she likes picks her son up when she can't make it. Fair? No.

And what is this all about? Other women. She is frightened to death that she will not be the most important woman in her son's life. Imagine the shock she will get when he falls for a girl that she can't stand. Imagine the torment. Imagine the choice her son will face, lies, sneaking around, arguments, heartbreak, hatred. I feel sorry for the suffering he will endure one day because of her insecurities and I hope he is strong enough to stand up to her.

Sorry..that was off the subject but necessary for some background on the NEMESIS. I feel sorry for her, that her whole life is quite literally keeping up with the Joneses (ha! ha!). That everything we do she copies. They say mimicry is a compliment so I will look at it all like that but really, deep inside I see it as her keeping an even battleground - anything you can do, I can do better, no you can't, yes I can, no you can't..yes I can because I chuck money around at everything and that will win the day (we'll let her think that for a long while and then it will all come out in the wash!). I do things full of love and making the most out of nothing. I have honesty and love.

So, she knows. Chris stood on the doorstep yesterday on dropping his son back and told her that I have BRCA1 and am having surgery. I am glad that he pointed out that I don't actually have cancer. I am also glad he told her because it was in order to help her support their son if he is troubled at times about it. He is worried about me and its important that she knows so she can do some research and help him understand when he feels sad or scared or worried - if she can stomach supporting him over worrying about me that is, I hope so, for his sake. We aren't there enough to be able to and he knows his mum hates me so it will be tough for him.

She did actually say she would fit her plans around what we were doing over Easter (which is when my op is) which is a miracle. I know she goes through waves of hatred and niceness, she is a little unhinged in that respect, volatile.

I hope that she now realises more than ever how important her son is to us - he is my only son too and I love him dearly, across all the pain, hate, miles and time apart - I am always here for him and I know it will be difficult. I hope she realises more than ever that her son loves me as well as her and that she should be happy that he is surrounded by people who love him and let him love them back without guilt. Our bond will be more evident to her than ever as we near Easter.I am sorry to make him worry, he has enough troubles in his little life. I wish I could take it all away and I wish I could be there for him.

11. Rudely awoken, smears and the headache

At 7.43am I was sound asleep.

At 7.44am I was rudely awoken by my mobile phone ringing. On the other end was the gynaecology and obstetrics secretary who had been off sick for 2 weeks. I had to chase and call and leave messages everywhere for her as no-one seemed to be covering her job. She didn't apologise for the early call and rushed into an almost rant and incredibly random. I am not sure that she knew anything about me or what she was calling me about. At least she know that I had seen the surgeon about my womb area.

"Are you having a hysterectomy?"

No, no, I'm not but thanks for checking my file and notes before calling me. Thankfully she is not the surgeon doing my op or I could end up leaving without my entire womb and possibly a kidney or two. I explained that I was having my ovaries and fallopian tubes removed but that I needed to book an operation as soon as possible as I now had a date for my PBM (Prophylactic Bilateral Mastectomy). She wittered on about how they had changed all the waiting times and the rules and that it might be a problem. Is that really something I need to hear at 7.44am? Is this really something I need to hear about at all? Do you care? Do you think it would have been better to say, leave it with me and I will see what I can arrange and call you back rather than offloading at me because you are stressed that you have 2 weeks of work piled on your desk and you want to get my phone call off your list of things to do? I just want you to sort it out now please.

"Maybe they can do operation when you have your other surgery. It would save you having two general anaesthetics, but that's up to the surgeons."

Yeah, thanks for the suggestion, I would love to be under the knife for another 2 hours maybe, great. Then when I wake up I will have painful breasts, back AND groin region - nice one! Um hello?? How do you think I will be able to move? Do you think I want to be in hospital longer than necessary? No. Do you think I want to face what I have to face all at once? No, and thanks for the consideration.

Am I over reacting? No. She was vile. People skills, nil.

When she hung up I realised my dumbass cold headache was back and I felt crap again. Then I remembered that I had a smear test to look forward to. Yippeeeeenot!!

Not so bad, but I told the nurses that I was used to being groped these days and told them that I had just found out about my BRCA1. I told them that I was going to do surgery and explained that although it wasn't great news I was glad that I had a genetic cancer that they actually know about and they can do something to help me. They both looked quite awed, that's all I can say really. It was weird. As I walked home I realised that I had told someone other than my family and friends. It was an odd feeling. It made it more real.

I popped into the shop to collect some goodies for baking and the chemist for cold remedies..which I wish I hadn't. Beechams all in one gives me an intense headache. Not helpful at all. I'll stick to my hot honey and fresh lemon.

What a weird day it's been.