Monday, 12 January 2009

30. The Monday pit

I'm feeling a little low today. Every passing month reminds me that I have functioning ovaries and today I hate them. They punch me from the inside to remind me - they shout really loud at me! Pain, nausea, tired, crippling twinges, grumpy miserable cow. Whilst I can't wait to be free of the negative emotional grip they hold over me on a monthly basis, I am glad they appear to look healthy and okay for now. This morning the BBC news was talking about screening embryos for unborn babies with autism and throwing the issue of screening embryos into the limelight again. I wanted to get up and get on with me day today, yet here I am...blogging about embryos and children again..( see blog entries 23. Freezing eggs and 27. Spin, spin, spin my brain..gently down the stream)

I think I just want to sit in front of the doctor this Friday and ask him what the hell I do now about my ovaries and embryos and surgery. I have missed my slot to just have them out because I am looking at the embryo screening options. If the embryo freezing is not free to us (link will give you NHS costs), we can't even comprehend borrowing the money for it, it will cripple us financially. Sometimes I think it would be easier for someone to turn around and tell me that I just can't have any children rather than this emotional and controversial dilemma I face in looking at trying to have day...after my surgery is over.

I looked at my counter today..its below 80 days now. Shit! Mild panic but its ok though, I am starting to plan out the things I need for hospital, the things I need done before I go in and lose the use of my arms for a while. Will I need a nightie? I don't own any and I will have stitches that need dressing and sorting out both front and back so what the hell will I wear?? Split front AND back gown? Front and back bum flash on the way to the loo - excellent!! I hope I get a room on my that likely? I have no idea.

One thing I do know is that I feel low today..its Monday, I feel weepy, stupid and vulnerable. I'll stop there though because I can't beat myself up over nothing - it won't last..I'm used to it and I can't wait for it to be over. No more periods, no more.

My husband will sigh a big relief, I have no idea how he puts up with me.

I loathe negativity - its so destructive.

Make it stop now.

Make it stop.


zuzz said...

These things are not at all easy and since I have not been in your situation I can´t really help you in any other way then to support you in the choices you make. Hope that Tuesday will be a better day for you dear.

Always here for you,