Tuesday, 25 November 2008

6. Christmas and tears

Had a conversation with Mum last night about my stepsons Christmas present. I wish she could be more involved in his life but its complicated. I felt terrible after I got off the phone, I realised that I felt sad for her. Tears just flowed and I felt so empty. My decision about surgery has effected everyone around me and I try to remember that it is about me and not about what they wished for in life. I have to do this for me. Grandchildren make old age worth getting old for I guess, little people to tell bad jokes to, love and squander money and time on. My brother has chosen not to have children too as his partner has MS and there's a risk of passing on the BRCA1 gene for him too. My parent's hearts must be broken.

My Mum has spent some time telling me about the latest newsflash about how magical science is and how embryos can be screened for genetic disorders now. This is the hardest part of knowing what I know - helping my parents to accept my decisions and that they will not have grandchildren.

Christmas is not fun for me. Christmas is about family and fun and children. It just makes me sad and I need to deal with that one day and do something good with Christmas time. When all the surgery is behind me, I will change Christmas.


Lisa said...

I understand wholly your decision to not have children. Had I known before I knew I was positive, I'd have made the same choice. People look at me horrified when I say that, but I mean it and sympathise with you.

The bonus of having your surgery means that you will have many more christmases to come, your family should feel happy about that! you will find a way to make them good x