9. Telling my stepson

Whilst sat in the conservatory trying to work out how to put the yellow Lego crane back together without the manual, Chris, my stepson and I had a chat about me and my op. I think at 10 years old he needs to know what is happening and that he doesn't have anything immediate to worry about, I am not about to die. It was going fine but then we mentioned the 'C' word and his little face went pale. I quickly reassured him that I do not 'have' cancer but that the chance of me getting it in my life were very high, much higher than the average person and that is why I am choosing surgery. I explained that if I just spent my life going to hospital for regular screenings, I could still get cancer and I would have to have operations then but it would be much worse so I may as well have them now while I am fit and healthy.

He looked so worried. We talked about it some more and later in the day I showed him the CGI video as it seemed to be the easiest way to explain what would happen to me and that I am going to hurt - a lot - and that I will need to be cared for. I think it made more sense to him.

One of my biggest issues with telling him is exposing my vulnerability to his wretched mother. I explained that she may not be one of the best people to talk to about it if he was worried as she wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire. He agreed and told me that he thinks she hates me more than his Dad because he thinks she is worried that he will love me more than he loves her, which is very probably true. Her insecurities cause him and us no end of problems and I am sure that when she hears the news she will skip around her house for weeks on end hoping that I die on the operating table. Do I care? Actually, no. If she causes any problems around then, we are stronger than she can ever imagine, untouchable. Anyway, that is just a small drop in the ocean of things at the moment.

I've just realised that I am going to have to get very busy in the garden in spring so that everything is sorted before I am incapacitated for a while! Chris will have to be on grass cutting and pond duty. Doesn't look like I will be able to get my gravelled patio area sorted this year unless some miracle gardening team whisk in and do it all for me - which is highly unlikely, unfortunately! Ho hum..plans for 2010 are forming already. Another delayed year.

And who is going to paint the house too? Bugger. Gonna have to rope in some family to help out I think. I can't have another damp winter, my house will fall down. I had so much planned. I wish that Chris gets some answers about his knees and he can live a normal, active life without pain. I wish with all my heart.