7. It's all arranged!

I'm not sure how it happened. One minute I remember talking about the nitty gritty of nipples and scars, the next we were pencilling a date in his diary..planning my date with the surgeon for breast reconstruction.

Monday 30th March 2008

I told him that I am concerned about being smaller than I am now and although he is not keen on implants, I told him that I think being smaller will psychologically scar me for life. He agreed that it was important that he knew how I felt about that and would do his best to get the best shape possible with my back fat and muscle but would have some 'emergency' implants on stand by, just in case. I felt much better about that. I mean if I'm going to do this I have to feel happy about the end result. I felt quite selfish in my request to stay the same size as this man is trying to save my life and I trust him, I have to - if I actually had cancer and there was no way of having breasts again, I would just deal with the consequences in exchange for life. This is different, I have a say - I have a choice and I feel grateful just to be free of the high risk and feel cheeky asking for perfection.

Before today I felt very anxious with not knowing when to 'go ahead'. I guess there is never going to be a right time to chop your boobs off is there, may as well just get on with it. My biggest worry is about recovery. I am worried about how long it will take me to recover because I am still out of work and things are very, very difficult right now. I imagined being in a safe warm place in my life when I would plan all of this when Chris would be home over the summer and I could relax and get well, but its just not happening like that at all.

My Dad is living in another country, my Mum is miles away in Bristol, my Brother never calls me anyway, we are 40 minutes from my lovely in-laws and nearest family, I have few local friends since moving and my wonderful husband is suffering with serious knee pain and on crutches at the moment, drugged up with painkillers most of the time. I feel quite lonely but I am sure that people will be there when I need them, when it's critical.

On top of everything I have a cold. The last time I had a cold was 6 years ago and it was MASSIVE and I had it for a month... Reckon I went through about 389 toilet rolls, 5 layers of nose skin and a drugstore of Sudafed. The last time I had a cold, I was grieving heavily and I was wafer thin after losing Paul. Run down big time. Here I am again..in the pit.

I need a health plan. I am sure that it will keep me positive in all areas of life - I need it, I can almost hear my body begging me for it..for exercise, for fresh air. I am listening but not acting right now, there is so much on my mind that I can't even think about it right now..and Christmas is coming, and I am not sleeping good at all.

I just feel a bit confused today. It's real today. What if I get a job? How do I tell them that I have major surgery planned and need to have maybe a couple of months off work? It worries me and I don't want to jeopardise getting a job by having surgery. This is my BIGGEST concern at the moment - work.

I guess I will have to just deal with that as and when it happens.

OMG! 4 months..16 weeks (ish)