Friday, 3 April 2009

53. Where has the funny gone?

I'm all out. I thought I'd experience the misery path for a little while - didn't like it at all so I have battled through the brambles and thorny gorse bushes back to the positive outlook, happy path. Don't go down the misery route - it stinks big time!

It's hard, I prepared to be down some days but it's like walking a cliff edge all the time. If you slip you fall a long way down. I will stay further away from the edge now and try and tread the slopes of beautiful Devon and the cliff paths until I reach the beach of comfort and warm soft sand under my feet. I will close my eyes, raise my face to the sun and smile.

One day..maybe in a few months, maybe a year? I know it is out there, that feeling. I am tired of hurting, of being numb, of tingling, of stabbing pain, of lack of sleep. I am happy to be living with a 2% chance of breast cancer and not an 85% chance of breast cancer.

All the scars in the world are worth living without the fear - the anxiety. I don't care about scars - I can't see them anyway, they are on my back. I will wear vest tops again and people will look and wonder what happened to my body. I will let them wonder, they will be behind me and I will not see them. All that stuff will be behind me in more ways than one.


Teri Smieja said...

Nobody is all positive all the time, I think this just proves you are human too. You are doing a remarkable job of keeping it all together. You are inspirational. :)