Sunday, 2 September 2012

88. Podge, Pondering & Self-Esteem

For the last 3 years I've enjoyed some hard earned emotional respite and peace from my genetic breast cancer worry.  Facing more surgery in the not too distant future has new and interesting mental challenges.

Podge  Since comedy surgeon gave me strict orders not to change my current weight in preparation for my fat transfer surgery, I've struggled a little.  I am currently fluttering around my trigger weight, the one that normally makes me kick my own arse into action and exercise more and eat less cake.  Looking at the scales everyday and knowing that I can't lose any of those 'oh my god love, sort it out love' pounds is, quite frankly, bizarre!  It's made me learn to accept that being a little fuller figured is okay.  Age may be playing its part here, having recently edged ever closer to big  4Oh my god!  It's harder to maintain it at this level without going over.

Pondering  People are like teddy bears; they are nicest when they are brand new or when they're worn at the ears and nose from years of love with stuffing knocked about from many adventures. I had my stuffing pulled out by my surgeon and it is one of the biggest adventures of my life, both emotionally and physically.  I have lost and gained (not talking the extra poundage here) along the way.

Self-Esteem  Most women struggle with their body image and I was once one of the many. I had such a negative view of my body and I forgot how to be feminine, how utterly sad. In the past, years of school days bullying by boys teasing on the size of my curvaceous rear end and the teasing that continued by a man that I once loved, damaged my body confidence deeply.  It took years of comforting words from my incredibly caring and loving husband to change that, but it wasn't easy, I had to believe he meant it and I had to allow myself to feel it.  The problem with being BRCA+ is that once you know your genetic status you have to choose to either stay as you are or chop your breasts off.  The latter comes with major issues, body image issues involving risks, scars and body changes that some cannot face. I know a lot of very amazing BRCA+ women who have been through the mangle with surgery and their emotions. They are more beautiful than they ever imagined, radiating confidence, living life, loving people and being free despite being scarred mentally, emotionally and physically for life. 

There is something incredibly liberating about facing your own mortality and flirting with your survival instinct. It is utterly priceless - a life adventure. Most people who have pulled a mooner in the face of death tend to live life fuller, love deeper, risk more, are kinder and more forgiving of others.  Thats the way everyone should be, but it takes some major event to scare the shit out of you before you take a long hard look at yourself and what you feel about everything.

What was the purpose of this blog post? Just a vent, another fugly morning mirror look at myself and sorting it out for the day moment. How being a little podgy is not the end of the world, that I've come a very long way and I'm not who I used to be.  What a fabulous thing!  I wouldn't change any of it.