39. Pop goes the bubble..our hearts fall down

Yep..pop went the smallest of bubbles that contained a remote idea or maybe a hope that I could have children of my own..burst into nothingness. After my meeting with my genetics counsellor today my small glimpse at a potential family has pretty much had the curtains closed on it. The timings of my age, my breast surgery, Chris's 8 year old vasectomy, our inability to actually afford a child at the moment and the problems with freezing embryos all contribute to a very low success rate of actually having a baby in the future. I can't say that I am surprised but I had to look, just one last time before I closed the door on bearing a child of my own. Although I have the option to talk to the University College of London (UCL) to discuss Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis (PGD) and our situation, I hold little hope for it to be a tangible option for us. So, its back to adoption if we want to in the future, which is always where I have seen my real motherhood role anyway.

My gut instinct was that I was not destined to have children of my own flesh and blood but I agonised over my desire when I was younger, with the wrong man at the wrong time in my life. Now I am with the right man it is the most impossible task ever.

Why drag myself through years more heartache, torment and emotional distress in trying to get to the point of pregnancy by IVF which may only have a 5% chance of success? Its not worth it, not even for the most perfect child in the world. There are so many children out there without loving parents in their lives and maybe one day we can offer a home to one. I have been through enough now.

So, I sat in Tescos car park and listened to a song that took my back some years - to 8th October 2002 when I didn't get in the van to go to the speedway meeting. The day the rest of my life continued whilst my fiances ended. Madonna released 'Die Another Day' that week and it spurred me into living. The words touched a deep nerve today as I sat in the car with the volume turned up - watching the seagulls in the blue sky and people struggling with their bags. In a few weeks..I won't be able to struggle with bags, or much else for a while but my life will go on and I am reminded that I can do good with it.

My life experience so far has made me tougher than I would like to be, more introvert than I would like to be, more anxious than I would like to be. So I choose to be useful, to do good, to help others.

Today I offered myself to help the local BRCA support group run by the hospital and it was welcomed.

I am glad for my life and at the end of the day, survival is key - I am still alive but I have a whole lot of life to fill up now.

I am sadder than I thought I would be but I will just get a hound one day, a loyal, loving, doting dog who I cherish and who I will probably outlive but that's okay.