74. Strong, Weak. Weaker.

I have reached the point of no return, I cannot continue with the pain and problems I am having without expert opinion. I am a head down, get on with it person and I was repeatedly told after my reconstruction surgery to 'give it some time'. Okay then, here we are. It has been almost 9 months since my surgery, more than enough time for things to 'settle down' as I was told. I appreciate that everyone is different and all surgery has it's risks. But, here I am, in pain and suffering with a weak back.

I am an optimist, I see the good in people, I hope for the best, prepare for the worst and expect high standards. I didn't think that I would face any problems after, I expected not to, enough nervous energy was spent worrying about what was definitely going to happen to me immediately after surgery.

So what's my beef? Can I describe it to you...?...um..yeah, okay, think of this:

Walk around all day with a rolled up sock under your armpit, your numb armpit I should say. Then when you pick things up your breast contracts every time, tightening right across towards and under the armpit trapping the rolled up sock in it.

Stuff on the floor? No problem, just crouch down with the knees crunching and cracking my clicky knees and painful ankles, repeat accordingly for everything. This is actually the way to lift sensibly but you don't realise how much you can just bend over without this method to just grab things. When I do this I find I stick my bum out loads (not a good look) and I get that trembling thing in my back muscles like when you lift things too heavy for you, that straining thing, just from bending over at the waist. I miss my Lats. I miss them. I hate to say I regret it but maybe I should have gone with the majority and had implants with less impact on my physical self. The thing is, my local surgeon didn't believe in that kind of surgery. I didn't feel I had much choice in the matter. This is what we do and this is what you get. That is not how it should be.

They did warn me I might have a weaker back but I didn't realise how much until I tried to get back to normal. At 9 months on I feel I should be able to get back into DIY and carry a rucksack into Uni without suffering for it too much. I'm all healed now.

The last 3 months since I have become more active and resumed life in the mainstream again I have noticed the pain, tightening, muscle spasms, back and neck ache and injuries I am now encountering more frequently. Right now I am waiting for the doctor to call me to see if I can get a relaxant prescription for my neck. 10 days I have been suffering, I can't hold my head up without a deep ache and twinge in the top of my spine. I think it's from stupidly lifting a bag of plaster at 12.5kg...dumb I know, but I did it. I used to be able to do these things, I was strong and I forget to adjust. I just think I can get on with stuff like I did before and recently have faced the truth, I am not and I have to change.

I need exercise and free parking when going into Uni so I park on the fringe of the residents parking zones and walk in with my rucksack. I chose a comfortable one but lugging it around all day takes it's toll. By the end of the week my back and neck is aching and seized up. This truly sucks. I can't afford to park closer and I need to walk as jumping around exercise is not on the list of comfortable sport activities for me. What do I do? I don't know, I am just fed up with it. If I do nothing my back gets weaker and if I do something my back gets injured.

So, 15th December for a review and plan for the next surgery, what my Plastic Surgeon can do to help (or not) and tidy up surgery.

Doctors appointment at 3.30 for a neck/back inspection and some relaxant drugs probably. Yay..not. Sick of pills..so sick of pills now.