54. And the results are...(drum roll please)...

My breast tissue dissection and examination after full surgical removal was...



Clear - Normal - No pre-cancerous or cancerous cells detected.

It is official - I cut completely healthy organs from my body.

Hoorah!

Breast Cancer and I had a race and I ran so bloody fast it didn't touch me! I win!

When so many find out too late about their genetic destiny, their BRCA mutation. I made a choice when I found out, my choice was to eliminate my high risk and to undego preventative surgery in order to live a longer life. My breasts are made from other parts of me but they are still me and I can live with my scars comfortably.

I now have a 2% chance of breast cancer - NOT an 85% chance.

Surgery was worth it. My perseverence, my peristence, my determination..my survival instinct drove me onwards through fear and uncertainty and into the unknown.

I won the race against my high risk of breast cancer - I gambled my life on an operating theatre table against the odds of getting breast cancer.

My surgeon helped me prolong my life - he has restored a sense of normality for me, released me from anxiety, from fear, from worry. All that wondering before, fear of pain, fear of disfigurement, stuff deeply troubling me..I weighed it up and it was just so simple. Surgery.

My future has returned.

48. Back Home...at last

Hooray!! I made it home..in one piece(?)..or several rearranged pieces anyway.

The sun is shining and my garden has blossomed with a beautiful week of sunshine. I can now enjoy my hard work and relax (??!! I 'will' know what this feels like again one day).

Thank you for your well wishes, your thoughts, I had a good operation and the results are brilliant! Some of the nurses said it was the best reconstruction work they had ever seen so that's reassuring. I think I am about the same size as before but it will take some time for things to settle.

I feel relieved though - not something I can explain here and now..I feel free of the worry. It is truly something I never thought I would feel and I have to sit and think about this some more.

Its good to be home but it is even better to be without my drains. I had 10 drains, 2 from under the breasts each side and 3 from the back where the latissimus dorsi muscle was taken out for the reconstruction. I don't want to detract from the gladness of being home but I am in pain. They sent me home with paracetamol and ibuprofen which often feels like a joke but they take the edge off enough to stop a lot of wincing. I can't lift anything, I can't dress myself, I can't get up in the night and put on a dressing gown..it is a nightmare. Having no arms sucks. The operation means the muscles from your back are tunnelled under your skin, under your armpits and the bruising and ache is hard work. My poor disabled hubby deals with his own pain and now he has to run around after me too. Nightmare..but it will get easier..it will.

It seems like such a mammoth journey to write down at the moment and so I will save the full detail write up for another day when I have the brain power (fuzzy does not begin to describe my memory, speech or concentration right now). My darling hubby has taken lots of photos to document the process, the healing, the changes that occur and I will post these privately on BRCA Umbrella when I can.

I have followed lots of blogs and seen lots of photos of other reconstruction work but not ever really found anyone who had the back muscle reconstruction work done. Most women seem to opt for the implants or TRAM Flap (tummy muscle) option. Everyone seems to say it is not that bad and the drains will be out and things will feel better but with the back muscle (see below image of Latissimus Dorsi muscle) and the site of the drains, you have to sleep and lay and rest on your wounds and drains.


I cannot tell you how uncomfortable it has been and still is. I am not pretending that it is easy. I got no rest without morphine, I constantly shifted my body through pain to ease the pressure on my drains in my back (long tubes under my skin attached to vacuumed bottoms to suck out the weep (sorry for the gross description but that is what they do). It was relentless and I am exhausted from lack of sleep and the pain. The drains, although everyone says that you just breathe in and the nurse tugs them out, were a nightmare to pull. I had 5 each side of me trailing off the bed and put my hands on them trying to lift my body to move and shift, tugging them. My back was so drum tight where so much skin was taken (a large eye shape each side) and the drains touched nerves and my skin was bruised and sore from lying on them all coiled under my skin. This was never going to be a pretend everything is cool site, the enormity of this operation is not to be underestimated..it is tougher than I imagined.

This has to be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life but everyday it should get easier. I am plateauing at the moment where my body is healing now I am more rested without all the nurses coming in and out, checking blood pressure, emptying my catheter, giving me pain relief, feeding me, offering water, seeing how I am, visitors, cleaners..it is relentless. Home is where you heal and rest - hospital is where they put you back together and give you a headstart, care for you at the very core.

I watched the amazing nurses of Primrose Ward, Derriford Hospital, Plymouth work flat out, juggle priorities as they constantly change, meet the demands of their patients, share a moment with me, hold my hand, wash my body, ignore the irritability, the tiredness, make me feel safe. I am humbled by the beautiful women they are, they work with their own disabilities like MS, joint problems, single mothers juggling family life, working shifts, being short staffed. They are paid nowhere near enough for what they do - they are amazing and they do an relentless and tiring job. I wonder how many people say thank you to them - tell them they are brilliant? I did, I made sure that I thanked everyone for tolerating me, for helping me, for caring for me, for sharing with me, for feeding me, for cleaning my room. I have shed tears at how stunning these people are, the ones that help people get well again. They have touched me deeply and my week in hospital, for all the pain was worth it to have my faith in humanity restored, to jolt my life back into perspective, to allow me to see the beauty in people again.

I felt like Neo in The Matrix.. I could see all the positive in the process, I feel blessed to have been given the opportunity to live a longer life - and I am ever grateful!

:)

43. All aboard! This train is going FAST FORWARD>>>

My phone rang earlier..Private, just missed it. I picked up the message left, it was my surgeon, Dr Drabble. He just said he would call back again or if I could, to call him or his secretary.

So, what could it be? Either a cancellation or a postponement of my operation date - logic says. I'm sure he wasn't phoning for a general chat.

I call the hospital and ask to be put through. Dr Drabble's secretary picks up the call and then tells me to hang on and she will pass me over to him.

"Hello Leigh-ann, now..you know we were planning your surgery for the 30th, well I am afraid I am going to be away for some time around then. I'm sorry, but we are going to have to move your operation date."

"Right.."

"We can bring if forward 2 weeks to 16th March."

"...oh..um..when is that?"

"That's a week on Monday. I know it will make it might make it more difficult for your hubby to be able care for you. What do you think?"

"I guess I'd rather have it done sooner rather than later. We will have to sort something out."

"We could keep you in hospital a little longer until you are feeling a little more able to cope, if it helps."

"Yeah..we will see what happens. I guess I am just a bit..well..you know..shocked. I was ready for 3 weeks. I guess it's okay. I won't see you before now, not until the surgery. Should I speak to the Breast Care Nurse instead?"

"Yes, we are making all the changes that need to happen here, to bring it forward so if you could speak with the BCN that would be good. We'll be in touch. See you then, Leigh-ann."

Okay...so someone pressed the fast forward button on my life. I had a minor panic attack, light headed moment after I got off the phone. My dumbass period and hormones mean I am very sensitive at the moment. Yesterday I wanted to cry in the job centre when, yet again, the dumbasses forgot to tell me I didn't need to drive all the way into the city, pay for parking and queue for 20 minutes. I was livid! 3rd journey in a month that they have wasted my time now. The whole place makes me edgy - if you can get beyond the frontline hardnuts and security guards (yes, security guards!), there are real people sat at desks, thankfully.

Chris popped in on the way through to pick up Max. We were both shocked and both a little tense about the date move, but - it will be fine. I am just worried about Chris and school and time off. He will be so knackered running around after me, school won't give him the time off and that's why it was planned for Easter. What a mess.

So here we are..9 days until I have to climb into a hospital bed. I just want it over..I want it over. It's been the longest time coming - eons in fact!

So..all my DIY plans, my gardening plans..all gone. No time left. To top it all off, the hoover had a big accident today. Dyson fell all the way down my steep stairs and dust poofed out all over the place..bits pinged off him and he lay, battered on the bottom step..parts strewn around. Only the pipe suction worked on it before and now..after the accident, he has little energy at all and is virtually on deaths door.

Dyson is just how I feel today. A little battered, had the wind knocked out of my sails but it's okay because I know there will be a replacement one day soon.

Just like my replacement boobs.

Give me strength to get through this week calmly. This is the beginning of the end.

Monday 16th March 2009 - Operation Boob Removal commences!