44. Make way..here comes the Operation Queen!

The title is for my hubby - he (and my sepson) call me the Queen of all things..the Bead Queen (hence my jewellery website name www.beadqueen.co.uk), Gardening Queen, Photography Queen..generally you are the "fill in the blanks" Queen, attached to anything that I am doing at the time. I love it..I know that I am appreciated and loved because I am their Queen.

So..today I am preparing to be the Operation Queen.

I am sat in my conservatory on a less than sunny day, a bit windy, a bit dull and dreary. I have a cup of tea and my laptop (for those concerned..yes it is staying at home and not coming to hospital with me).

This morning I went to see my GP and I explained that I needed a few signatures about stairlifts and my sick note for my op and recovery period. He signed me off for 10 weeks, to be reviewed but that should be plenty for me to get back on my feet with no complications. I also told him about my secret worry: my right breast with an area of thickening, the one that got needle biopsied when I was 27. He examined me and said it is free moving, although lumpy but nothing to worry about probably but with my family history and the BRCA1 gene, it was worth highlighting to the surgeon. He called the hospital whilst I was there, just so they can check it when I do my pre-op medical check on Thursday.

He wished me well and I left feeling much happier about my lumpy boob. Its always caused me concern but I just hope that I am about the nail it from ever becoming anything other than a breast thickening. Whew!

I pottered about town after that, gathered some ingredients to make a delicious Chocolate Guinness cake (yum!) and made my way back home. The phone has been ringing increasingly over the last few days, understandable I guess and today I have spoken to BT (telling them to go away and leave us alone), Jenny my breast care nurse, my Dad - twice, my husband, my mum-in-law and my dear friend Sam.

Jenny, my BCN (breast care nurse)called to see how I was after the shock announcement about my surgery date moving. She wantede to re-organise another time to meet with me before my op and so I'll pop in to see her after my pre-op checkup and just run through the final questions and maybe take some bloods etc. I am due into the hospital on Sunday but I am not sure what time. I have to be in the night before my op so that I am not delayed at all as the surgery will take all day (approx. 8 hours).

I feel strangely calm, I felt very alone for so long although Chris has always been there but recently confessed that this BRCA thing has taken over our lives a little. That's the thing with it all, it can be all consuming but soon, I will not be the worrying BRCA bint - I will be free of the boob worry. I cannot wait. I think I might cry with relief.

I have lists of things to do, what needs to be packed, what I want to ask, what will happen on Sunday, checked around the house for things unreachable, been through my clothes for easy to wear things (do up at the front is preferable but I am short of such items!).

The hoover is still pathetic and so I will spend a few hours trying to get as much clean as possible before the week is out.

I feel very tired today. I think the mental strain is telling. All the years, months, days of the nag have almost come to one point. I am amazed that it is nearly here. This is the biggest goal I have ever aimed for, it has taken the longest time, the biggest of battles and once Monday evening arrives and I wake up..I will have made it.

My goal is in sight. My breast cancer free goal. Sod off thickening - you are just that and nothing else. I am going to beat you to the finish line.

Cancer? No..not for me. No No No No No!

On Monday evening I am blowing the biggest, fattest, rudest RASPBERRY at you Breast Cancer!

I am winning..I am the Operation Queen! : )

43. All aboard! This train is going FAST FORWARD>>>

My phone rang earlier..Private, just missed it. I picked up the message left, it was my surgeon, Dr Drabble. He just said he would call back again or if I could, to call him or his secretary.

So, what could it be? Either a cancellation or a postponement of my operation date - logic says. I'm sure he wasn't phoning for a general chat.

I call the hospital and ask to be put through. Dr Drabble's secretary picks up the call and then tells me to hang on and she will pass me over to him.

"Hello Leigh-ann, now..you know we were planning your surgery for the 30th, well I am afraid I am going to be away for some time around then. I'm sorry, but we are going to have to move your operation date."

"Right.."

"We can bring if forward 2 weeks to 16th March."

"...oh..um..when is that?"

"That's a week on Monday. I know it will make it might make it more difficult for your hubby to be able care for you. What do you think?"

"I guess I'd rather have it done sooner rather than later. We will have to sort something out."

"We could keep you in hospital a little longer until you are feeling a little more able to cope, if it helps."

"Yeah..we will see what happens. I guess I am just a bit..well..you know..shocked. I was ready for 3 weeks. I guess it's okay. I won't see you before now, not until the surgery. Should I speak to the Breast Care Nurse instead?"

"Yes, we are making all the changes that need to happen here, to bring it forward so if you could speak with the BCN that would be good. We'll be in touch. See you then, Leigh-ann."

Okay...so someone pressed the fast forward button on my life. I had a minor panic attack, light headed moment after I got off the phone. My dumbass period and hormones mean I am very sensitive at the moment. Yesterday I wanted to cry in the job centre when, yet again, the dumbasses forgot to tell me I didn't need to drive all the way into the city, pay for parking and queue for 20 minutes. I was livid! 3rd journey in a month that they have wasted my time now. The whole place makes me edgy - if you can get beyond the frontline hardnuts and security guards (yes, security guards!), there are real people sat at desks, thankfully.

Chris popped in on the way through to pick up Max. We were both shocked and both a little tense about the date move, but - it will be fine. I am just worried about Chris and school and time off. He will be so knackered running around after me, school won't give him the time off and that's why it was planned for Easter. What a mess.

So here we are..9 days until I have to climb into a hospital bed. I just want it over..I want it over. It's been the longest time coming - eons in fact!

So..all my DIY plans, my gardening plans..all gone. No time left. To top it all off, the hoover had a big accident today. Dyson fell all the way down my steep stairs and dust poofed out all over the place..bits pinged off him and he lay, battered on the bottom step..parts strewn around. Only the pipe suction worked on it before and now..after the accident, he has little energy at all and is virtually on deaths door.

Dyson is just how I feel today. A little battered, had the wind knocked out of my sails but it's okay because I know there will be a replacement one day soon.

Just like my replacement boobs.

Give me strength to get through this week calmly. This is the beginning of the end.

Monday 16th March 2009 - Operation Boob Removal commences!

18. Operation Ovary - When?

Hope this posts - having a very intermittent internet day today. Very odd indeed! Probably all the last minute Christmas shoppers online damn them!!

The very useless secretary of Mr Frappell (my ovary removing surgeon) finally called me back last week to tell me that she still didn't have a date for my operation and that she had to now put me on the waiting list. So what have I been doing for the last 6 weeks? Sitting on her desk? I kicked off a little and demanded that I get my date as soon as possible and reminded her about my March boob op. Why am I not already on a patient waiting list? I cannot understand it. The rules say that I have to be completed in 18 weeks which means she has until March which is just not gonna work. She tells me that she should have a date by the end of this week.

Today is Thursday..6 days have passed since we last spoke and not trusting that she would call me with a date, I called her. Guess what..NO DATE YET! She told me again that it would be some time in the middle of January, probably. I thought it would be nice to have some notice so I asked her how much notice I would get as it was now only a week until Christmas and I would likely not hear from her again until the New Year, to which she retorted:

"How much notice do you need?"

Excuse me? You can probably tell this woman doesn't enjoy her work and probably doesn't have to deal with demanding people like me everyday. I am peed off today as it is, my stupid womb is killing me and I truly want the thing shut down and stop working altogether. Today is not a day to be shirty with me, so I pretty much kept myself to myself today - in case I upset someone. I was nice to her, polite in a stern kind of way if you know what I mean.

I noticed her tone change slightly after she realised how rude she'd been.

"..erm..I have to give 3 weeks statutory notice anyway. There are two ladies waiting as well as you and I am still waiting for dates, I'm sorry I can't make it happen any quicker, we are waiting for management to make decisions about the extra operation slots list."

Hello lady!! I am not a nagging customer in a huge queue at Argos waiting for a fondue set to get picked..

"Item number 987, Ovary Removal Operation - ready for collection at Desk A now please ..bing bong.. Item number 987, Ovary Removal Operation - ready for collection at Desk A now please.."

Lets just hope the darn things don't mess up before she gets round to pushing this forward for me. I bet the other ladies aren't waiting to have their boobs scooped out straight afterwards..I would like some recovery time if thats not too much trouble!

So, I feel like I'm sitting on the lonely luggage conveyor belt with two other luggage shaped ladies waiting to be noticed, to be collected..

..going around again..through the flaps.. ..squeak squeak.. ..and out again.. ..squeak, squeak.. ..through the flaps.. .. squeak squeak.. ..and out again.. squeak squeak squeak..